It was the stormy time of Paris Fashion Week when S decided to turn my world upside down. Or so I used to think when thinking about engagement and, ultimately, about marriage, that my world, my habits, my life will change forever. But it was a relaxing dinner with the wonderful 56th floor view of Tour Eiffel, holding hands, delicious food and lots of champagne. I guess he needed more than I did, because I had no idea what was going to happen. After hilarious adventures, from the security control at the entrance of the building, when the ring started the alarm and S turned red, close to fainting or the talkative couple sitting next to us, making S nervous and annoyed about his lack of intimacy to the changing of tables and confusing the restaurants’ employees, he popped the question: Will you marry me? And that was the moment when my body froze. But it wasn’t fear. Nor emotions. It was something between “Oh My God, I am going to burst into tears and I so don’t want these people see me like that” , “I am so not properly dressed for this moment”, “Why the f*** am I crying?” and the last, but not least “Him kneeling in front of me is the most romantic and beautiful declaration of love I have ever seen/heard.” By this time, S kept repeating the question, because I was not able to say a thing with my tears choking me and the approving nod finally came. After hugging and kissing him…it was more hugging because, in a way, I wanted to hide myself into his arms, I’m not that comfortable with showing my emotions in public :)), I was finally able to say a proper YES and actually look at the beautiful ring he gave me.
Did you know there is also a phobia of committment, called gamophobia? I mean, how much time people spent trying to diagnose, to analyze, to prevent all sorts of things about marriage, relationships, men and women? Instead of thinking and rethinking, they should start doing, feeling and understanding. Love, couples, relationships are based on feelings and real life, not on statistics and analysis. If you get along with someone, it is because your energies just match and if you believe in faith, you were meant to be together. As long as it will last. But I don’t think someone can come up with a physical theory to explain something that can’t be explained. See the big picture, stop creating categories and thesis to confrunt your own fears.
I never thought I would be the marrying type, I was also very aware that I may be suffering from gamophobia (it seems I’ve found the reason where to put all my frustrations and fears). Yes, I was always the relationship type of woman, never having an one night stand, but I could not figure myself out as having the wife potential. And I was ok with that and I was even ok with ageing all by myself, with some dogs around and lots of shoes, not thinking I could find a man that could understand me.
But the surprise is that I am also ok right now, with a ring on my finger and with lots of people being more enthusiastic and aware about my engagement than I am. “Ooo congrats, now you have to think about the wedding, the dresses, the location, the babies, the babies’ names, the babies’ future bla bla bla” , “Oh, I am so excited about your engagement..even though, be careful, X and Y, W and Z also had a very beautiful relationship; but that was before getting married. After that, everything changed”, “Now that you are engaged, you should pay more attention to the clothes you are wearing, you have to be more serious, you know? Now you are engaged, soon to be married and you have to be more responsible”. I think the problem is not the thought of spending your whole life with one person, is the terrifying challenge of handling all these reactions that put so much pressure and tension on the couple.
Engagement and marriage should not be a must, nor a problem. They happen when they are wanted and when the moment is propitious, all things fall into place. When there is fear, anxiety, indecision, there will always be more reasons to fail than to win that relationship. When I said that YES, it was like saying yes to going to a walk or eating an ice cream, I didn’t feel it is the YES that is changing my life, it was natural and effortless. Like everything in a relationship should be. Like me wearing this see-through dress on Barcelona’s streets, encouraged and photographed by my one and only fiancè, who is strongly against this kind of exposure :))